2003-07-11 @ 5:12 a.m.
I'm torn. Broken, crumpled, cut and bleeding. I lay bandaged, bruised and mangled, yet smile at the very thought. I've fallen victim to this plague, self-destruction, and it's appeal. And I don't know what it is that keeps me coming, and I don't know what it is that keeps me gratified. Yet, I'm tearing at the seams, it seems...
My ravaged image may appall you, my hysteric cries deafen those willing to hear. But I truly cannot see what keeps me coming, for I always find myself here.
Bandaid wrappers lay beside me, bloodied gauze covers my arms. The results of self-injury can shame you, yet the razor doesn't pity who it harms.
What is it that keeps me coming? What is it that keeps me gratified? Is it the simple pleasure of bleeding, or is it conciet that comes with empty pride?
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That makes no sense, but I don't care. I hate how it came out. I just needed an introduction for my entry, and the beginning made SOME sense, then I just began to rant. I didn't want to make it rhyme at first, but then I cornered myself, and I was left with NO OPTION! (NOOOO!!!!). Note to all: No, I am not a "cutter". I do not enjoy self-mutilation for it involves "pain", and I have no tolerance for "pain", therefore, I do not partake in such activities. ALSO note that there are a few words with double meanings. I didn't mean for this to happen at first, but when it did, I thought it to be clever.
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BEGINNING OF ACTUAL ENTRY:
Have you ever gotten "MYSTERY SCRATCHES"? (doom music) What?! You don't know what "MYSTERY SCRATCHES" are?! Well, let me enlighten you. Have you ever woken up, and found new wounds?! Well, I have. I'll get jagged little cuts on my arms and legs, how they get there? NO ONE KNOWS, it's a MYSTERY (hence the name)!!! One theory is that I involuntarily scratch myself in my sleep, however, I have very, very short nails (I am a shameless nail biter!), so, I don't see how I can get scratches like the ones I find every morning. What's beginning to bother is that I'm getting them even though I haven't been sleeping. I haven't slept in three days (soon to be four), and I haven't scratched myself (If I did, I would have felt it), but I keep getting little scratches! I realized today as I walked into the shower. My legs had begun to sting, so, naturally, I look down at them to see what is causing my discomfort, and SURPRISE! Big scratch, really big scratch! I'm very irritated. I have three on my left leg and five on my right leg! They hurt, and I still don't know where they're coming from!!!
Isn't it obvious that I have NOTHING to write about? "Mystery Scratches"... For shame, Claudia, for shame. I feel like slapping myself now. If you actually read all of this, then you should feel like slapping yourself, too. You've just wasted a braincell (or two) on useless crap.
I'm empty today. I need a muse. Inspiration of some sort. ACK! I hate feeling this way. It doesn't feel right. I usually have so much to say, and today, I have NOTHING... Well, since I have nothing to say, I should probably stop writing now. Ok, I think I'll do that...
Listening to: "Gravity" by Luna Sea
Recently, I've really been getting into J-rock. I used to know about some bands, like X-Japan, but I didn't really get "into" it, as they say (don't get me wrong, X-Japan is an amazing band, I really like them), but I started listening to Dir En Grey and Malice Mizer, and now I'm hooked! I feel like a stoopid fan-girl (GACKT, I LOOOVE YOOOU!!!! KLAHA, I LOOOOVE YOOOU, TOOO!!!!! MANA, YOU ARE THE CUTEST THING ALIVE! I WISH I LOOKED LIKE YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE A MAN!). J-rock is fun, because it involves one thing that combines ALL of my favorite things: good-looking, cross-dressing, Japanese men. La dee doo (my little song).
everything © Claudia (2003-2008)